The article below is a great interview that can help any caring adult understand what these kids go through.

ALL legal, social work professionals and officers of the Court should be made to read, understand and live up to ithese principles. To not understand and apply this knowledge during family law litigation is child abuse. PERIOD.

The largest problem in Family Law is a lack of respect and an uncaring, dismissive and disrespectful attitude.

When children get a divorce - Belfast Telegraph

With divorce levels in Northern Ireland reaching epidemic proportions, what happens to children caught up in the heartbreak? A special conference being held today in Templepatrick discusses the impact on children and two key speakers - Pip Jaffa of the parents Advice Centre, and Dr Fionnuala Leddy, child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Royal Belfast Hospital for Sick Children - tell Judith Cole why this issue is so important

What does your work in trying to protect children from emotional and psychological harm involve?

As a child psychiatrist I work in a multi-disciplinary team delivering mental health services to children up to the age of 14. There are more separated parents now than ever. But, on the other hand, people are more willing to travel to see a child, whereas in the past geographical distances would have been a barrier. I take referrals from GPs, social services, health visitors and other fields of medicine like paediatrics, and the courts can ask for an assessment - for instance in clarifying why contact isn't happening or whether contact would be in the child's best interests. We're at the sharp end of emotional and behavioural problems that children present with.

What sort of problems?

Children can present with a lot of different emotional and behavioural difficulties. The effects of separation on children don't just occur at the time of separation - they can be long term. Our job is to try and prevent the worst effects on children. We see children at different stages: sometimes at the time of separation or, other times, long after the separation. A child's problems can be related to absence of contact or difficulty in securing contact between the child and non-residential parent. One of the great difficulties is that a child can feel guilty about wanting a relationship with the other parent.

How important is it for a child to have regular contact with the parent who has left?

Seeing the non-residential parent, who is usually the father, even once a week or fortnight is so much better than never. And it's not just the non-residential parent; it's their side of the family which can contribute so much to the child's life. Sometimes after separation the residential parent wants to be freed up from that side of the family, but the fact is that the child has roots in both families and they need to be respected - in the child's interests.

Even if the non-residential parent is abusive or violent?

There are some cases in which the non-residential parent has been abusive or violent. But even in these cases I think the children do need to know about their parentage, their biological background.

What difference can contact, however minimal, make to a child?

After divorce and separation children do less well in terms of mental health, emotional well-being and academic performance. We need to consider very carefully that this is related in large measure to the absence of the non-residential parent. Contact can reduce the effect of divorce. And it must be remembered that, while divorce happens at one point in time, absence of the parent goes on and on, every day.

So it can affect children throughout their lives?

There can certainly be long term effects. If self-esteem is affected and a child's mental well-being, these in themselves will impact on later life. Adults who have not had contact with their biological parents often describe a void in their lives. People have deep interest in their biological roots: even people who've been adopted by non-family members try, years later, to seek out their biological parents. It's about identity formation.

How can a child of a separated home be given the best possible chance in life?

We have to remember that there are a lot of people from divorced families who do perfectly well in life. We just need to look at how best to promote their well-being after separation. It is a significant event in a child's life, but if you can move on and allow the child to develop good relationships with both parents then they can learn how to manage conflict and they can benefit from having two loving families. Acknowledging the need for having both parents in their lives is a major step in the right direction towards promoting their well-being.

So the parent with whom the child lives bears a lot of responsibility.

The residential parent is in a very responsible position with respect to the child. They have an enormous amount of control and an opportunity to feed into the child's beliefs, attitudes and values. That's a heavy responsibility for a parent to bear, especially a single parent.
That links to the responsibility which step parents have. Some reconstituted families - separated parents who marry again - find it much easier than others to allow contact, to share the child and to allow the child to develop good relationships with the non-residential parents, while others feel threatened by those relationships.

And in cases in which the parent with custody feels threatened, what can happen?

In a lot of cases families do their best to ensure ongoing contact between children and the non-residential parent, but sometimes they find it difficult to see the benefits of contact for the child. But I think it is so important for the child to see the non-residential parent, even if the parent with whom they live is not keen on this happening. The custodial parent can view the other as breezing in and out of the child's life. They may feel that the child doesn't need a relationship with the other parent. Indeed, they themselves are glad to be out of the relationship and by extension they believe the child would be better out of it too.

The support of family and friends is vital, then.

Yes. When thinking about how to help children and parents after separation, family and friends are very important. It doesn't just come down to the legal system, social services and health services. Family and friends, through their support and having an enlightened attitude towards children's needs, can help the children avoid some of the difficulties that surround separation. Inevitably, separation is a very difficult task and almost always there is unhappiness and a struggle and lots of disagreement, and people need their friends and family to take their side and support them. Even if you support the person on your side, friends and family should keep it in mind that the child's relationship with the other parent needs to be preserved and promoted. It can be made difficult for the non-residential parent to have contact, but it is so important that contact is maintained - for the child's interests.

What can be done to encourage contact if a child feels threatened by the non-residential parent or if there is a history of abuse or violence?

I think that, unfortunately, children often imagine that a situation is worse than it really is, so by giving them information you can dispel frightening fantasies they might have. If you, as the residential parent and therefore probably the person with the closest relationship to the child, don't tell them what the problem with the non-residential parent was, the risk is that someone else will tell them in a much less perceptive manner and in a much less age-appropriate manner. Sometimes professional help is required to do this but very often families can help to support you as a parent when you're giving difficult information.

Children often have feelings about secrets and no-go areas of conversation. They often know by instinct that there is something that they're not being told. Parents tell me that, after they share a secret with their child, the child already had an idea of what it was, and the parent knew that the child suspected something. There is often a great sense of relief in sharing something difficult and it can then build the relationship rather than undermine it.

A parent can sometimes decide he or she no longer wishes to maintain contact with the child. Why does this happen and what effects can it have?

The non-residential parent can be quite rejecting of the children of the relationship and this is very difficult for the residential parent to bear because it is very hurtful to the child's self-esteem. There are so many reasons why rejection can happen. Sometimes, parents aren't aware of how significant they are to their children. Or, they may have other personal problems which have left them feeling unable to make a contribution to their children's lives.
We need to educate people about how important they are to their children, even after separation. Both parents remain important to the child, to their sense of themselves, their identity and self esteem.

Another reason for a parent deciding to stop seeing a child is that they feel that pursuing contact is going to be inordinately difficult. They believe that they're going to be prevented from having a relationship with their children and that the struggle required to maintain contact would just be too demanding and would make it impossible to carry on with other aspects of their lives.

From a professional point of view, what can be done to improve the system?

The child and adolescent mental health services are under-resourced. Most children from separated families don't reach these services - we only see a minority of cases.

I think there needs to be more mediation services and people need to have trained professionals available at the time of separation to ensure that plans are made for the children, in the children's interests.

I think it's also very important that legal professionals have the ethos of the importance of maintaining relationships between the children and both parents.

Adult children of divorce speak up here...It is the adult children of divorce who are the experts folks - Listen to what they tell you: The things your kids don't have the language skills and words for yet...

Great story here - New Family Violence Strategy due to enormous numbers of false allegations in Australia. Reform is coming to Canada, sooner than you think....

John:

I agree with you - "Effort & Courage are not enough without Purpose & Direction." President John F. Kennedy

You wanted feedback, so I felt I would take some time give you some from one old soldier to another...I have taken the liberty of posting your efforts to our blog at divorced-dad-daily.com which is the official blog of fathers Resources International.

The basic problem is one of the leadership principal. Activists are not ready to accept direction and leadership. All the many activists I've known over the years have proved themselves in terms of effort and courage. But they lack purpose and direction. They lack the leadership skills to govern themselves, yet they expect to govern others.

That is not how leadership works, It is based upon service before oneself, loyalty, duty, sacrifice. And above all respect.

Many cannot and will not accept that each of us who have tackled one area of expertise or another as compatriots. many speak ill of each other and are suspicious of others motives. I've suffered a lot of that myself, having built Fathers Resources International (FRI) to find Dads the resources, skills and support systems they need to be effective in Family Court.

We also have extremists amongst our numbers. Those who have been hurt so badly, or who were "wingnuts" to begin with. That is to be expected in any social/political issue.

Some of the "elder soldiers" simply like their soapbox. Others however area constant, and have made change possible. Just the fact that you have asked the question distinguishes you from those who talk the talk, but do not walk the walk.

I do believe in the final analysis that the changes we all seek are coming, sooner than most will expect. That's because our kids are now becoming adults. Usually the kids solve the problems left behind by the parents. That is the course of human history.
That does not happen though unless people stand up. You have stood up. FRI has stood up and so have the many others we know of out there.

We do not need a "Movement" nor do we need a "Leader". The only "Movement" we need are the countless multitudes, 50% + of the populace to get moving by standing up at the same time and saying no more. And making our politicians accountable.

This 50%+ of the populace need to tell the politicians every day:

1. I will not vote for you if you support the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE

2. I will actively campaign against you if you continue to support the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE

3. I will actively work, campaign, recruit and contribute financially to the candidates who will dismantle the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE.

And then we must do exactly that. It is that simple.

It is the marketing of that message which has been ineffective so far. However, FRI has made it our mission to change that. To get the 50+ % of the population of our respective countries mobilized.

2006 marks the beginning of FRI expanding its services to an e-commerce model that will be based upon self-directing your case as an educated consumer of legal services, so that when you hire help, you will be able to give informed instruction, based upon an educated perspective.

The first place to begin though is by accepting personal responsibility.

You make a good point when you write: "Sometimes I'd like to hear someone say, "and I wasn't perfect either,I made a few mistakes which may have contributed to this..." I'd feel more sympathetic for those folks, more inclined to believe..."

Rarely do I here such introspection as eithe John from our clinets. It would be refreshing to hear: "We married each other. What does that say about me Danny?"

And you also make an excellent point when you write:

"... but what of the more subtle failures? The confidence and Faith we lacked ourselves, that led to poor situations for our ourselves and consequently for our children. The times we were so caught up in 'something else', that we failed to respond to those close to us?"

I can answer that one directly from life experiences. My parents marriage failed from the get-go; I was a latch-key kid in the 70"s; they never taught me how to form a relationship, let alone spot a good candidate to have one with...

Consequently the apple did not fall far from the tree. But I took responsibility for it, because I wanted to understand how it all came about in the first place - How did I become the next in line to have inter-generational divorce. What could I do to prevent it happening in my kids?

Which led to me forming FRI, doing about 30+ hours of free clinics every month as a law clerk helping fathers think these issues through.

I've had a lot of professional, financial and relationship success as a result from really wanting to know how I got myself into the jackpot in the first place and by helping others avoid or navigate it in their lives.

That's the natural consequence of really being helpful, over-delivering on service and generally being passionate about what we do. Also, doing it as an integrated part of my life, 17 hours a day helps too.

But there will always be those who think they are owed something. Who want a free ride, who expect others to wrongfully assume their responsibilities. And usually their cases are the most horrific and involve multiple lawsuits, many social workers, police etc etc etc.

Successful Divorced Dads know that this is the quickest way to failure. After all Winning = Peace in your Child's Family.

These people will not, and usually can not take personal responsibility. They've never been taught how, nor have they enough gumption to learn how. Blame is easier.

And people will always take the easy way out. Except those who have faith. Even if that faith is secular in nature, deriving from a sunny disposition and outlook.

I know you take great solace in your FAITH, as do I. It's been many years since I last wrote you - we've both been busy fighting the good fight, soldiering on in our way.

But I wanted to write you today to thank you for your constancy and your efforts which I have followed for years.
From one old soldier to another: You're a real leader John, willing to dig in and do what is necessary with the gifts you have been given from God. You don't whine, pick fights with other activists, speak ill of others.

You also recognize that all there is really, is the work itself. And that if you don't do it, likely nobody else will. Its a principle I'm intimately aware of and totally familiar with. After all I've been at my Dad activism activities since the mid 1980's.

Keep up those fantastic efforts of yours. Please feel free to post those efforts on our blog at divorced-dad-daily.com because they are inspirational to many of the ordinary fathers here in Canada. I am adding you to our BlogRoll and I look forward to more frequent exchanges as time permits.

You have my promise that I will continue to do my very best with the few talents I've been given too.

Godspeed John.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director
Fathers Resources International

John:

I agree with you - "Effort & Courage are not enough without Purpose & Direction." President John F. Kennedy

You wanted feedback, so I felt I would take some time give you some from one old soldier to another...I have taken the liberty of posting your efforts to our blog at divorced-dad-daily.com which is the official blog of fathers Resources International.

The basic problem is one of the leadership principal. Activists are not ready to accept direction and leadership. All the many activists I've known over the years have proved themselves in terms of effort and courage. But they lack purpose and direction. They lack the leadership skills to govern themselves, yet they expect to govern others.

That is not how leadership works, It is based upon service before oneself, loyalty, duty, sacrifice. And above all respect.

Many cannot and will not accept that each of us who have tackled one area of expertise or another as compatriots. many speak ill of each other and are suspicious of others motives. I've suffered a lot of that myself, having built Fathers Resources International (FRI) to find Dads the resources, skills and support systems they need to be effective in Family Court.

We also have extremists amongst our numbers. Those who have been hurt so badly, or who were "wingnuts" to begin with. That is to be expected in any social/political issue.

Some of the "elder soldiers" simply like their soapbox. Others however area constant, and have made change possible. Just the fact that you have asked the question distinguishes you from those who talk the talk, but do not walk the walk.

I do believe in the final analysis that the changes we all seek are coming, sooner than most will expect. That's because our kids are now becoming adults. Usually the kids solve the problems left behind by the parents. That is the course of human history.
That does not happen though unless people stand up. You have stood up. FRI has stood up and so have the many others we know of out there.

We do not need a "Movement" nor do we need a "Leader". The only "Movement" we need are the countless multitudes, 50% + of the populace to get moving by standing up at the same time and saying no more. And making our politicians accountable.

This 50%+ of the populace need to tell the politicians every day:

1. I will not vote for you if you support the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE

2. I will actively campaign against you if you continue to support the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE

3. I will actively work, campaign, recruit and contribute financially to the candidates who will dismantle the EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE.

And then we must do exactly that. It is that simple.

It is the marketing of that message which has been ineffective so far. However, FRI has made it our mission to change that. To get the 50+ % of the population of our respective countries mobilized.

2006 marks the beginning of FRI expanding its services to an e-commerce model that will be based upon self-directing your case as an educated consumer of legal services, so that when you hire help, you will be able to give informed instruction, based upon an educated perspective.

The first place to begin though is by accepting personal responsibility.

You make a good point when you write: "Sometimes I'd like to hear someone say, "and I wasn't perfect either,I made a few mistakes which may have contributed to this..." I'd feel more sympathetic for those folks, more inclined to believe..."

Rarely do I here such introspection as eithe John from our clinets. It would be refreshing to hear: "We married each other. What does that say about me Danny?"

And you also make an excellent point when you write:

"... but what of the more subtle failures? The confidence and Faith we lacked ourselves, that led to poor situations for our ourselves and consequently for our children. The times we were so caught up in 'something else', that we failed to respond to those close to us?"

I can answer that one directly from life experiences. My parents marriage failed from the get-go; I was a latch-key kid in the 70"s; they never taught me how to form a relationship, let alone spot a good candidate to have one with...

Consequently the apple did not fall far from the tree. But I took responsibility for it, because I wanted to understand how it all came about in the first place - How did I become the next in line to have inter-generational divorce. What could I do to prevent it happening in my kids?

Which led to me forming FRI, doing about 30+ hours of free clinics every month as a law clerk helping fathers think these issues through.

I've had a lot of professional, financial and relationship success as a result from really wanting to know how I got myself into the jackpot in the first place and by helping others avoid or navigate it in their lives.

That's the natural consequence of really being helpful, over-delivering on service and generally being passionate about what we do. Also, doing it as an integrated part of my life, 17 hours a day helps too.

But there will always be those who think they are owed something. Who want a free ride, who expect others to wrongfully assume their responsibilities. And usually their cases are the most horrific and involve multiple lawsuits, many social workers, police etc etc etc.

Successful Divorced Dads know that this is the quickest way to failure. After all Winning = Peace in your Child's Family.

These people will not, and usually can not take personal responsibility. They've never been taught how, nor have they enough gumption to learn how. Blame is easier.

And people will always take the easy way out. Except those who have faith. Even if that faith is secular in nature, deriving from a sunny disposition and outlook.

I know you take great solace in your FAITH, as do I. It's been many years since I last wrote you - we've both been busy fighting the good fight, soldiering on in our way.

But I wanted to write you today to thank you for your constancy and your efforts which I have followed for years.
From one old soldier to another: You're a real leader John, willing to dig in and do what is necessary with the gifts you have been given from God. You don't whine, pick fights with other activists, speak ill of others.

You also recognize that all there is really, is the work itself. And that if you don't do it, likely nobody else will. Its a principle I'm intimately aware of and totally familiar with. After all I've been at my Dad activism activities since the mid 1980's.

Keep up those fantastic efforts of yours. Please feel free to post those efforts on our blog at divorced-dad-daily.com because they are inspirational to many of the ordinary fathers here in Canada. I am adding you to our BlogRoll and I look forward to more frequent exchanges as time permits.

You have my promise that I will continue to do my very best with the few talents I've been given too.

Godspeed John.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director
Fathers Resources International

From one old soldier to another - Part One... For those of you who do not know him, John Murtari a US activist has bee taking MASSIVE ACTION for a long time. He has a web site at AKidsRight.Org, which I encourage you to visit. I have been getting his e-mails for many years now.

I've never seen him get dragged into the "flame war's you see on many discussion lists. He is constant, steady and persistent in his approach to dismantle the "EVIL FAMILY LAW SYSTEM".

One of the actions he has taken upon himself is to simply try to meet with United States Senator Hilary Clinton. He's been rebuffed and arrested many times for simply exercising his right to communicate with a legislator whose job is to listen to the public. His blog on his efforts are here.


John wrote recently in one of the many e-mail discussion groups an excellent piece of introspection. He is asking for comments which you can send him at: jmurtari@AKidsRight.org

MY COMMENTS ARE FOUND IN PART TWO.

John writes:

Good People & People of Faith,

The season of Lent is meant to be a time of introspection & penance aspreparation for the celebration of Easter. I know many of us are notreligious, but perhaps some personal reflection might help our reformefforts. I have included some anonymous FEEDBACK from you regardingthese personal issues.I certainly think the F-4-J folks have shown courage by their actions(and some may soon be facing jail time. Imagine that!).

I also tellyou someone else I have respect for, a mother named Diane Booth whotook her son and ran off to Canada. Why?Against her wishes her child was being medicated with Ritalin forsupposed ADHD. Diane thought it was causing serious health problemsthat would destroy his future. She tried to work through the system,but nobody listened (we can all relate to that).
Time was of theessence and she saw the boy she knew slipping away. She ran with himto Canada for a while, but they were eventually captured and returnedto the US. She was jailed for a while. Imagine that!http://www.msnusers.com/FreeVincentBoothDiane's email address:
ChildRescue2006@aol.com

[ Now please, have I confirmed that all this is really true, and that Diane is certified good-hearted, and not secretly a vampire? No. But please just evaluate her actions based on what I said.]What would you have done? Who's at fault if your child suffersserious injury while in the care of the 'system'?

Taking Personal Moral Responsibility
------------------------------------

I get a LOT of email and hear some pretty horrendous stories. If youhaven't been there, please visit our Hall of Shame page,http://www.AKidsRight.Org/shame.htm Sometimes I wonder about the people behind the messages I get. Theydescribe horrific physical or sexual abuse happening to their child.They describe what an absolute monster either the other parent orsocial worker is... and you want to know something?

The worse theymake it sound, the more I wonder.... Do they really believe that or are they just turning up the volumebecause they think that will work? But even more so I ask why aren'tthey taking action to try to save their child? Your child is beingsexually abused and you are sending me an email message? You areblaming the system ... the other parent ... the judge ... the socialworker, but what are YOU doing?

Many of you think a 'Court Order' absolves you of your personal moralresponsibility for the welfare of your children? The Judge put my kidin an abusive home, what can I do? Why do I like Diane. Her actions were consistent with what she wassaying and she had the courage to take action. Done with a "wellformed conscience" (search that on Google) it is also a GOOD act.

Introspection - a reality check for all of us.
---------------------------------------------

Some of the stories involve an 'other' parent who is into drinkingand/or drugs. I really wonder about those? Did this other parentjust start doing drugs, or were they doing it before when you hada 'relationship' and it didn't bother you?I wonder about the children that were the accidental products ofone-night stands. Neither future parent was thinking of a child atthe moment -- they just wanted to get their groin tickled!These are perhaps easy for many of us to criticize, but what of themore subtle failures?

The confidence and Faith we lacked ourselves,that led to poor situations for our ourselves and consequently for ourchildren. The times we were so caught up in 'something else', thatwe failed to respond to those close to us?And certainly, for all of us who have new found 'righteousness' aboutthe dismal state of Family Law ...

How many of us were concernedenough to pay attention or contact legislators when these laws werebeing passed years ago? We did nothing, it hadn't happenedto us yet? But now we have no patience with legislators?Sometimes I'd like to hear someone say, "and I wasn't perfect either,I made a few mistakes which may have contributed to this..."

I feelmore sympathetic for those folks, more inclined to believe...I am able to feel much more compassion for others, when I reflect onall the things I could have done differently. When I embrace the factthat part of the reason my son Domenic has been through so much pain,is based on my past failings....

The Past is Past
----------------

To continually regret past errors is destructive and foolish -- but sois pretending they don't exist. We become more able to work &sacrifice for reform when we acknowledge our past failings and usethem as motivation to work for the future. It also helps improve ourcredibility and we don't shreeeek as much at the other parent and thefolks in the system.

Your FEEDBACK...
-------------

Great piece of advice here in a Philadelphia column - Ask Amy: The role of Dad versus Step-Dad and what to tell the kids - Mom's telling girl a lie: She has two dads.

I've been both a father and step-father. The greatest honour in my life was when my stepson Luc began calling me Dad. However I always made him know that he had a father and that his Dad, Roy was an important figure in his life.

Roy often referred to me as Dad to Luc. "Luc you listen to your Dad, Danny..." Roy and I rarely had problems with each other because we respected each other and our roles in Luc's life. We did not make it any harder for him.

When Luc's mother and I separated, Luc came with me from age 9 to 14. I have always considered him my son, and I treat him exactly like I treat his sister Elyenne.
When Luc's mother and I separated, Roy took me out for a beer. He told me he always knew this day would come ;-) I asked Roy how he felt about Luc staying with me, instead of going with Mom. He was more than OK with it.

Now that's trust. And it’s the way it should be. Roy felt that Luc would be better off with me and Luc's sister Elyenne.

The next five years I was a stay at home dad and went back to school to certify as a law clerk and open the doors to Fathers Resources International...we've helped a lot of dads since to learn from the lessons I have learned that there is the law, and there is what people will do.
While the law is a necessity to keep order and civilization intact, what people do is and will always be far more powerful...

My letter to this Washington Post article is below

Unintended Pregnancy Linked to State Funding Cuts

Ronald Regan once said “The most fearful words any American can hear are: Hello, I am the Government and I am here to help you…” Government can't find money to provide the basics: Roads, healthcare, condoms or fund a legal system that empowers you to exercise rights without going bankrupt. Nowhere is that more so than Family Court. Fathers are routinely jettisoned out of their daughters (and sons) lives every day: We fathers are all violent brutes that don’t love our wives and kids and are irresponsible and nothing but deadbeats.

Yet statistically, women initiate the relationship, marriage and now divorce. Very often, they are used as naive pawns by their lawyers; The heartbreak of these pregnant teenage girls is a result because we “ADULTS REALLY SUCK: when it comes to our values and politics as they affect our kids. Those daughters are more likely to not have a father in their life after all is said and done in Family Court whose systems are about money NOT family and children.

The National Organization of Women (N.O.W.) is the source of the problem of rising teenage pregnancy. Men can't have equality in the family but women want it in the workplace. N.O.W relies upon long discredited research by Lenore J. Weitzman, author of The Divorce Revolution. This spawned two of the most well intentioned, yet ill considered pieces of legislation ever: The Bradley Amendment – Debtors Prison for Fathers; and VAWA – both which work to make teenage daughters fatherless and these daughters are more prone to pregnancy.

A father and daughter's relationship is the best first defense to lowering teenage pregnancy, because no one can explain boys better to a girl than Dad. My daughter has made it to 20 and isn't pregnant yet. However all of her other friends without exception have been, and in every case there is no dad in the home. Daughters who have solid relationships with their fathers are better prepared for the consequences of teenage sex. They learn from dad about boys and
have taken dad's advice – “No Glove - no love...”

Let’s connect the dots:

1. Fathers parent differently than Moms. Both are essential to a child's life and doubly so to a teenagers.

2. The reality is that teenage pregnancy is compounded problem of our politics.

3. Corrupt government in bed with a corrupted women's movement blindly accepting "facts” without questioning their basis or legitimacy.

When N.O.W. advocates programs for daughters missing their dads, paternal grandmothers who can no longer see their grandchildren, step-mothers who want to make peace with the ex-wife, teenage pregnancy will drop quicker than any condom for our daughters, who need the necessary guidance, insight and knowledge that fathers impart to daughters about sex, consequences and boys. And a family all on the same page about boys. Only then if condoms are available on every corner, will girls insist on boys using them, because their self-esteem will be enormous - They'll have a father who loves them, protects them and teaches them about how boys can be.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director - Fathers Resources International
www.divorced-dad-daily.com

This blogging thing is really something. I came across a site called the Advice Goddess that I really enjoyed. A balanced point of view from a woman.One article I read was:

Knocked Up, Who's There? The Grinch who cut contraceptive funding, for one. Ceci Connolly explains, in The Washington Post, why unintended pregnancies are up. So I couldn't resist posting this:

Amy:

When does any government ever get anything right? No matter who is in office it’s about the money, the power and the right to fund one’s views of how the world should work at its best, or lining one’s friends pockets at its worst.

Ronald Regan once said “The most fearful words any American can hear are: Hello, I am the Government and I am here to help you…”

Government can't find money to build roads, fund healthcare. ensure clean water and/or air, or properly fund the legal system so you can exercise your most basic constitutional rights without going bankrupt. No where is that more so than Family Court and how fathers are routinely jettisoned out of their daughters (and sons) lives every day on a stereotype that we are all violent brutes who don’t love our wives and kids and are irresponsible and nothing but deadbeats.

Yet it was more often than woman who initiated the relationship, marriage and now divorce - Powerless women…NOT. Confused - maybe, lacking sense – possibly, immoral – can be, selfish – very often, used as a pawn by lawyers – every day; But powerless no, not when they initiate and end relationships end up with the kids, car, house and support that their legal bill will no longer cover, because they trusted that their lawyer was on their side, not lining their own pockets with ill gotten gain. Oh did I mention naive?

And no I am not some bitter man either - I am an adult child of divorce, with a wonderful woman who is also an adult child of divorce. And on this we both agree: The heartbreak of these pregnant teenage girls is because we “ADULTS REALLY SUCK: when it comes to our values and politics as they affect our kids. Those daughters we shoehorn into Family Court during separation and divorce are more likely to not have a father in their life after all is said and done.

That’s because Family Court and all of its bureaucratic systems are more about money than family and children.

The National Organization of Women (N.O.W.) stopped believing in gender equity and liberation theory of women shortly after the first round of burning bras in the 70’s (whose meaning and symbolism struck most young men deeply, helping to shape our ideas of equality. It helped us to be the good men and fathers most of us are today. Yet when we sought that equality to be allowed an equal place in our family, just like women wanted in the workplace we were denied it, after being told we needed to be fully involved in the first place upon marriage).

N.O.W. also gave up on gender equity unless it was fully funded by men, chucking away the “I can do anything a man can do” philosophy that I bought into and taught our daughter. Instead, N.O.W continues to rely upon flawed and the long discredited research by Lenore J. Weitzman, author of The Divorce Revolution which spawned two of the most well intentioned, yet ill considered pieces of legislation The Bradley Amendment – Debtors Prison for Fathers; and VAWA – both which work to make teenage daughters fatherless.

Daughters who have solid relationships with their fathers are less likely to need a condom, because they are less likely to have teenage sex until they are fully ready to accept its consequences, and those that do, have matured enough to have taken dad's advice – “No Glove - no love...”

A father and daughter's relationship is the best first defense to lowering teenage pregnancy, because no one can explain boys better to a girl than Dad. At least that's what my daughter Elyenne has told me :-) And I tend to believe her - she made it to 20 and has not been pregnant yet. However all of her other friends without exception have been, and in every case there is no dad in the home.

Fathers parent differently than Moms. Both are essential to a child's life and doubly so to a teenagers.

So the problem as you define it does not connect all the dots: The reality is that teenage pregnancy is a compounded result of corrupt government in bed with a corrupted women's movement, compounded by those who blindly accept what they are told without questioning its basis or legitimacy.

Most of us believe in equality, humanism and dignity.

The extremists control the women’s movement today. That’s why most women today aren’t card carrying members of N.O.W. – Add the corrupt in power that use them to garner votes from unsuspecting women. Remember those women who handed it all to a divorce lawyer, thinking they were getting their fair share?

Or their sisters - the ill-informed, or who those women with “issues” who can only blame others rather than accept responsibility for going forward with their lives rather than dwelling on a the misfortunes of the past (and as an adult child of divorce I’ve had huge issues and misfortunes but I chose to survive as did my wonderful wife and my daughter from a previous marriage, unlike her mother “the perpetual victim”…)

If that was not so, If N.O.W. is about true equality, then where are all the women's programs for daughters missing their dads, paternal grandmothers who can no longer see their grandchildren, step-mothers who want to make peace with the ex-wife.

That would lower teenage pregnancy quicker than any condom would for the youngest of our daughters, who do not have the necessary guidance, insight or knowledge that fathers impart to daughters about sex, consequences and boys.

Because then if they were available on every corner, these girls might actually insist on boys using them, because their self-esteem would be enormous, because they have a father who loves them, protects them and teaches them about how boys can be.

And the mere continual daily interaction and presence of the fathers provides these daughters the unconscious role model of what the boys they are considering sleeping with should be: Caring, loving and respectful, even during a teenage affair or hook-up.

At least that is what my evolution as a liberated man tells me. ( I am sure I’m about to take a lot of flak for this post, but it needed saying by someone…)

Fire away.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director - Fathers Resources International
www.divorced-dad-daily.com

It's a good question...

The Angry Dad: "Why do wives walk out of marriage? When my wife first asked for a divorce, a lawyer called me, asked me a few questions, and then tried to convince me that she was leaving me for another man. 'Who is the boyfriend?', he asked."

Danny Guspie said.in response:

The reason wives leave is there is no incentive to stay.Many attorneys simply advise: "I can get you the kids, house, car, savings, child support and alimony. Get him to leave..."The soon to be ex-wife (S2BX) launches a disingenuous campaign of misery (not hard because she is the miserable one...).Dad leaves to keep the peace and the rest of the story you already know. If you're reading this, you're living it: Most men were willing to overlook this character defect when they married their wives, believing love would prevail…

Men need to teach each other the skills to avoid, circumvent or address these problems before, during and after marriage. I know because I was successful, raised 2 kids as a stay at home, went back to school, became a law clerk and now help dads all day long to successfully stickhandle their matters in Family Court...I’m also an adult child of divorce, step dad, and activist too for national divorce reform too, so I see it from many differing perspectives.Men must step and accept their power to make change, and exercise it.

And we will. But first they have to stop finding “BAD GIRLS” exciting enough to marry.They always turn on you (and on in doing so, on the kids) in the end.

Danny Guspie Executive Director"WE HELP DIVORCED DADS WAGE PEACE IN FAMILY COURT"

http://fathers-resources.com
http://Divorced-Dad-Daily.com

Another Adult Child of Divorce Speaks Out - Adults Suck

Great piece here: "As a child of divorce between two parents with few differences other than conflicting outlooks - the kid left in me wants to scream stop it any way you can even if it means you have to drop to your knees and plead."

Most adults just don't get it - Unless you have gone through it as a child, you cannot possibly know anything about what us "children of divorce" go through.

My comment - "Adults Suck" especially when they forget their childhood, humanity, responsibilities and selfishly place their needs above their obligations to their children.

One such example, today a client of ours - a father who has had his kids for four years finally got an order of child support. What woman waits four years for such an order. Oh and he doesn't get an order of enforcement of child support either by the Family Responsibility Office. The judge turned down what is a routine order in every child support matter in Ontario - enforcement.

This particular mother and the way the Court has let her off the hook for four years epitomizes everything bigoted about Family Court.

I'm so mad - if he instructs me, we will appeal it, and I'll do it oh so gladly for free...This sort of ruling needs to be struck down immediately. However his kids want it to end - and I understand that only too well.

He was actually telling the Judge today that his kids were begging him to stop all action in Family Court (mom was putting a lot of pressure on them, as you can all imagine.)

Why is it that mothers rarely pay child support when they lose custody?

Because - Adults Suck.

"Why do wives walk out of marriage?

It's a good question...

The Angry Dad: "Why do wives walk out of marriage? When my wife first asked for a divorce, a lawyer called me, asked me a few questions, and then tried to convince me that she was leaving me for another man. 'Who is the boyfriend?', he asked."

Danny Guspie said.in response:

The reason wives leave is there is no incentive to stay.

Many attorneys simply advise: "I can get you the kids, house, car, savings, child support and alimony. Get him to leave..."

The soon to be ex-wife (S2BX) launches a disingenuous campaign of misery (not hard because she is the miserable one...).

Dad leaves to keep the peace and the rest of the story you already know. If you're reading this, you're living it: Most men were willing to overlook this character defect when they married their wives, believing love would prevail…

Men need to teach each other the skills to avoid, circumvent or address these problems before, during and after marriage.

I know because I was successful, raised 2 kids as a stay at home, went back to school, became a law clerk and now help dads all day long to successfully stickhandle their matters in Family Court...

I’m also an adult child of divorce, step dad, and activist too for national divorce reform too, so I see it from many differing perspectives.

Men must step and accept their power to make change, and exercise it. And we will. But first they have to stop finding “BAD GIRLS” exciting enough to marry.

They always turn on you (and on in doing so, on the kids) in the end.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director

"WE HELP DIVORCED DADS WAGE PEACE IN FAMILY COURT"
http://fathers-resources.com
http://Divorced-Dad-Daily.blogspot.com

Divorced Dads Unite: "ISN'T CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD?" - Part two

Please read my earlier post.

An open letter: "ISN'T CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD?"

You can take this letter and copy it. Ask your local Memnber of Parliament and your Member of Provincial Parliament to get you the answers to these questions.

Only takes a few minutes to copy, paste, sign and fax.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

Divorced Dad and Actor Alec Baldwin writes book on Family Court

Actor Alec Baldwin is writing a book about child custody cases after enduring a heartbreaking custody battle for his daughter, Ireland. "The book is not necessarily a memoir about my own situation, because no matter what you do, no matter how difficult this process is, you've got to keep in mind the other party is still the co-parent of your child, so you've got to be careful there."

The day is soon coming where we will hit critical mass - Change will come about because even the famous, rich and powerful who have been burned so badly in Family Court will make it their life's work to make change possible.

I really like that he says: "...you've got to keep in mind the other party is still the co-parent of your child."

Divorced Dad in South Dakota takes MASSIVE ACTION

Here's an inspirational article - Mitchell Sanderson, a member of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children and a divorced father of two, needs to secure 12,844 signatures by Aug. 8 in order to get his initiative on the ballot in this year's general election in November, according to Lee Ann Oliver, election specialist. The number of signatures reflects 2 percent of the population of North Dakota from the last census.

Sanderson said divorced parents have the option of shared parenting now, but his measure would ensure it is enforced for deserving parents.

TAKE YOUR POWER to make change seriously - Every effort is worthy of consideration and support.

The REAL problem with unilateral no-fault divorce

Marcia Pappas, head of New York's chapter of the National Organization of Women points to the research that unilateral divorce reduces women's economic well-being. A study in Connecticut, she writes, showed that under unilateral no-fault divorce laws, only 37 percent of women were awarded the marital home, compared with 82 percent under fault divorce.

Hogwash! That flies in the face of the primary fact that women initiate as high as divorce 98% of the time in some jurisdictions, win custody, child support, spousal support and exclusive possession of the home and contents, plus legal costs. Figures like those from Ms. Pappas come from the long ago discredited study "The Divorce Revolution" and the days when the Bradley Amendment was passed in the United States with such unreliable statistics.

No fault divorce is a very bad thing for children - it removes the incentive to behave, live up to marriage vows, make for stable family units, and has spawned the industrialization of divorce, the harvesting of children's happiness for profit by the minions of the "EVIL FAMILY LAW EMPIRE".

Love's grand - Divorce is a Hundred Grand ;-)

University of Virginia sociologists found that married women are happiest with a sensitive guy who earns most of the family's money. Women are also willing to take on more housework if they feel their husbands pay attention to them, and they feel the arrangement is "fair," if not equal.

And men are most happy with marriage when they are not nagged, shamed and put through guilt trips, are fed and (fill in the blanks...) ;-) - Now what University will fund my study? LOL...

Adultery = No Spousal Support in South Carolina

No spousal support for adultery in South Carolina ...Imagine that...

"ISN'T CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD?" By Danny Guspie

An open letter: "ISN'T CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD?"

TO:

- All Provincial Premiers
- The Provincial Attorney General's,
- Provincial Finance Ministers and Auditor Generals
- The Prime Minister
- Ministers of Justice & Finance
- Auditor General of Canada

A few quick questions. Please provide a 3 sentence answer below each question, indicating your office and jurisdiction before your answer.

1. How much additional tax revenue has been raised by the child support guidelines in your respective jurisdictions since their introduction in 1997?

2. Where precisely does this tax revenue go?

3. Are any of the following scenarios taking place in your jurisdictions?

4. Are the monies that provincial and Federal judges award, enforce and collect is directly proportional to how much it receives from the federal government as incentive reimbursement funding?

5,. Isn't it a fact that amount is in the several tens of millions of dollars?

6, Where this money is spent by support recipients is not subject to any accounting?

7. Can a Judge make such an order, requiring an accounting of where child support is spent?

8. If not, can you help me to understand why the dead get a passing of accounts in probate Court, but children get no accounting of where child support money goes?

9. Can you please clarify if there are no financial controls for child support, trust mechanisms nor passing of accounts why do the dead have more rights than living children?

10. Isn't it true that the monies the state receives for child support enforcement has no strings attached; is used to fund area's other than direct and/or indirect child support?

11. Does that not constitute a conflict of interest?

12. Isn't this racketeering?

13. Any of this money go into any political coffers ie the funding of services for women.

14 And where do men go for similarly funded services in your jurisdiction?

15. If none are funded, I believe our non-profit programs would qualify for consideration - What is the process to access such funding?

16. If inequities exist, what are you doing to address these inequities?

Inquiring minds want to know. I would be very grateful for an immediate and expedited response.

Respectfully yours,

Danny Guspie - Executive Director
Fathers Resources International

NOTE 1: Credit for inspiration:

Child Support Enforcement A Fraud By Bruce Eden

February 28, 2006 - SEX & METROPOLIS BlogWonks.com

The U.S. Supreme Court held in Tumey v. Ohio, Ward v. Monroeville and Gibson v. Berryhill that judges cannot sit on cases where they have a pecuniary interest in them because it would be a demonstration of actual bias.

The state talks a good story about how all the increased child support enforcement and collections benefits the children. This is pure fantasy.

The monies that the state awards, enforcesw much it receives from the federal government as incentive reimbursement funding. And that amount is in the several hundreds of millions of dollars. The monies that the state receives for child support enforcement and collects is directly proportional to how much it receives from the federal government as incentive reimbursement funding. And that amount is in the several hundreds of millions of dollars. The monies that the state receives for child support enforcement has no strings attached. The state uses this funding to bolster their state employee and judicial pension plans.

NOTE 2 : Open letter from Danny Guspie to the Governments of Canada: "ISN'T CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD?" I was inspired to ask yet again for an accounting of where the increased tax revenue dollars go since the implementation of the Child Support Guidelines in 1997.

Heidi Nabert _ President of the National Shared Parenting Association and I met with the Department of Finance who could not give us these answers 9 years ago. Hopefully they've had time to do the books ;-)

Prime Minister Harper - Hockey Dad

This is a very good thing - It's been a good news week for Divorced Dads in Canada and Australia...

Prime Minister Harper: Hockey Dad

As prime minister, Harper now has a federal government to run. However, he says it helps to be the boss -- he can often adjust his schedule to fit in the games of his nine-year-old son Ben. "It's important to me because it's important to him," Harper said.

Joint custody could improve state's child support efforts

FOLLOW THE MONEY...

Good article here on child support enforcement being improved by having a joint custody presumption in Michigan:

Note the following - the industrialization of child support as an adjunct to "The Divorce Industry"

One thousand seven hundred employees now work full-time in Friend of the Court offices as referees, counselors, clerks, and support staff in all 83 Michigan counties. In addition, many employees of the criminal justice system devote a major portion of their workday to this last vestige of debtor's prison.

So it is no surprise that there was consternation in Lansing over a federal plan that cut nearly a quarter billion dollars in Michigan subsidies for child-support enforcement. But one state legislator, Rep. Leslie Mortimer, R-Horton, has introduced a bill that could reduce the need for devoting so many resources to child support enforcement.

The problem we see daily is the "Ghost figures" that Ontario uses for its claim that there is 3 Billion dollars in unpaid child support.

Hogwash - 2 Billion of it is nothing but the meter ticking on matters that never return to Court for a termination order because dad can't afford a lawyer to get his Court order changed. Then he faces licence suspensions and possible jail time.

In the Alberta case Henry and Henry which is currently before the Canada's Supreme Court, a dissenting Judge nailed it perfectly - If child support should automatically go up with an increase of income, fairness dictates the reverse should also happen - Child support should go down when income decreases.

But then what would everybody at Child Support Enforcement do for a real job?

Child-support bill tied to revoked drivers' licenses fails in Utah

A child-support bill tied to drivers' licenses fails - Associated Press " A bill that would have suspended the drivers' licenses of parents who can afford to pay child support but refuse to do so died in the Utah Senate on Tuesday. Utah House Bill 83 failed to receive the majority it needed to pass after Senate President John Valentine, R-Orem, voted against the bill to end it with a 14-14 tie.Senators had concerns about revoking the driving privileges of those not paying child support because they weren't being allowed to see their children..."

It is a fact - the more Dad is involved without having to jump through the hoops of the "Evil Family Law Empire", the more he willingly pays.in child support. people will always seek out what they believe is just, when they are treated unjusrly - and that was recognized in Utah yesterday.

Children so traumatized by their parents divorce, that they need psychiatric treatment

Great article here from Ireland - A record number of Ulster Ireland couples are splitting up - leaving children so traumatized they need psychiatric treatment - it emerged today. A family expert said she feared divorce levels here had reached epidemic proportions.

"Mothers are coming to us during a separation saying they have noticed changes in their children's behaviour, anything from becoming withdrawn to aggressive."

"This is stemming from confusion and upset they are experiencing because their life has been turned upside down. We need an attitudinal change in how services and resources are used to support separating couples - in order to protect children and young people from the effects of such break-ups." Says Pip Jaffa, chief executive of the Parents Advice Centre, In Ulster, Ireland.

Read the History Of Fathers Resources International Blog - which is my story in part as a child of divorce. It wasn't pretty... NO CHILD such face such bleak circumstances.

'Shared parenting' seen as custody solution in New York

Saw this - 'Shared parenting' seen as custody solution - Bills in New York would require courts to treat mom, dad equally .

Here is the summary of the proposed legislation BILL A00330 and here is the actual proposed legislation.

Comments?

Divorced Dad brings test case to publicize shared parenting deal

Divorced Dad brings test case to publicize shared parenting deal - Dad wants to set example to other former couples: Injunction bans him from revealing details of his parenting plan.

Imagine being banned from sharing something helpful to other children - their parents settling matters and agreeing on sharing custody equally. That’s government lunacy at its worst. But incredibly a leading UK media lawyer is representing the father.

"The father, a campaigner for fathers' rights and a volunteer adviser to other divorced and separated men, wants to show the parenting plan to others as an example of what can be achieved, even in cases where there is conflict."

That's what he wants to do - but he needs a Court order to do it.

Repeal the Bradley Amendment - The birth of Debtors Prison for Dads Worldwide

Great article here on repealing the Bradley Amendment by Phyllis Schlafy on townhall.com
Here is the birth of the industrialization of divorce and child support.

Schlafy writes: "A prime example is the 1986 federal Bradley Amendment, which mandates that a child-support debt cannot be retroactively reduced or forgiven even if the debtor is unemployed, hospitalized, in prison, sent to war, dead, proved to not be the father, never allowed to see his children, or loses his job or suffers a pay cut.

The result of this incredibly rigid law is to impose a punishment that makes it impossible for any but the very rich to get out from under a Bradley debt. Thousands of fathers are sentenced to debtors' prison (a medieval practice we thought abolished in the United States centuries ago), and thousands more have their drivers license confiscated (making it extraordinarily difficult to get a job). "

Sound familiar? It should to those of you who lost your job and can't get a reduction. This thinking was imported here to Canada in the early 1990's..."The Evil Family Law Empire" and its cohorts strike again.

If you look at the clip on the Fathers Resources Home Page about my CBC NEWS comments on Henry and Henry after the Alberta decision came out, what you don't know is that CBC cut out my comments holding up evidence Parliament did not even know what it was passing when our Child Support Guidelines came into effect. They couldn't - the Federal Department of Justice report explaining how they worked came out after the Child Support Guidelines were passed.into law
Welcome to Canada...where it is to much to expect our leaders to actually understand the laws they are passing and for Judges to actually be required or volunteer to read materials before a hearing, apply the charter in Family Law cases etc...

I once had a Judge actually say to me that the Charter, the Supreme Law of Canada does not apply in Family Law...I'll say it again - The law is the bastard child of politics. Men must learn to co-operate, accept leadership and become politically active to change things..

That is why I do this work - because that time is coming. Sooner than you think.

Joint custody could improve state's child support efforts

FOLLOW THE MONEY...

Good article here on child support enforcement being improved by having a joint custody presumption in Michigan: Note the following - the industrialization of child support as an adjunct to "The Divorce Industry"

One thousand seven hundred employees now work full-time in Friend of the Court offices as referees, counselors, clerks, and support staff in all 83 Michigan counties. In addition, many employees of the criminal justice system devote a major portion of their workday to this last vestige of debtor's prison.

So it is no surprise that there was consternation in Lansing over a federal plan that cut nearly a quarter billion dollars in Michigan subsidies for child-support enforcement. But one state legislator, Rep. Leslie Mortimer, R-Horton, has introduced a bill that could reduce the need for devoting so many resources to child support enforcement. The problem we see daily is the "Ghost figures" that Ontario uses for its claim that there is 3 Billion dollars in unpaid child support.

Hogwash - 2 Billion of it is nothing but the meter ticking on matters that never return to Court for a termination order because dad can't afford a lawyer to get his Court order changed. Then he faces licence suspensions and possible jail time.

In the Alberta case Henry and Henry which is currently before the Canada's Supreme Court, a dissenting Judge nailed it perfectly - If child support should automatically go up with an increase of income, fairness dictates the reverse should also happen - Child support should go down when income decreases. You can find this case here.

But then what would everybody at Child Support Enforcement do for a real job?

'Virtual' Visits the future of Parenting Time

Here's a troubling development.... Article on long distance visitation.'Virtual' Visits Pushed in Several States The problem is that we are now seeing Judges have one more reason to say that Mom moving away is not a problem for Dads and Kids because they can "visit" over the internet. Ever tried hugging your kid through a computer screen? It's just not the same thing....